Quotes

"Realiity is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
-- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"TOO MANY PIECES OF MUSIC FINISH TOO LONG AFTER THE END."
--Igor Stravinsky (1882-1971)

No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.
-- Lily Tomlin

Murphy's Technology Laws

Dating Yourself

• 01. Candy cigarettes
• 02. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
• 03. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles.
• 04. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
• 05. Blackjack chewing gum
• 06. Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with Cardboard stoppers.
• 07. Party lines.
• 08. Newsreels before the movie.
• 09. P. F. Flyers
• 10. Butch wax
• 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix ...(DRExel-5505)
• 12. Peashooters.
• 13. Howdy Doody
• 14. 45 RPM Records
• 15. S&H Green Stamps
• 16. Hi-fi's
• 17. Metal ice cube trays, with levers
• 18. Mimeograph paper
• 19. Blue flash Bulbs
• 20. Beanie and Cecil
• 21. Roller skate keys
• 22. Cork pop guns
• 23. Drive ins
• 24. Studebakers
• 25. Wash tub wringers

Pragmatism

More Rednecks

• The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
• You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
• Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
• You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
• You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
• Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
• You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
• You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
• Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
• Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
• You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
• Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
• You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
• You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
• You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
• The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
• One of your kids was born on a pool table.
• Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
• You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
• You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
• You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
• Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it...

Safety

1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)-
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

21. On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

22. On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

Real Musicians

Higher Education

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

Texas Salesman of the Year

Learning Experience

Drinking and Driving

Why Men Are Proud Of Themselves

• We know stuff about tanks.
• A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase.
• We can open all our own jars.
• We can make decisions without a support group.
• We can leave a motel bed unmade.
• We can kill our own food.
• We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend.
• Underwear is $10 a three-pack.
• Three pairs of shoes is more than adequate.
• We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming.
• Car mechanics tell us the truth.
• We can sit quietly and watch TV with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."
• Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
• We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
• If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends.
• Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
• We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors.
• We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades.
• We don't have to shave below the neck.
• A few belches are expected and tolerated.
• One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
• We can do our nails with a pocketknife.
• Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and be done in 45 minutes.

Restaurants

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies... ..."You just happened to catch my eye!"

Classified Ads

Things Learned From Children

• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house, 4 inches deep.
• If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
• A 3 year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape.
  • It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
  • You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
  • When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
  • The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
• A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
• Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
• Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
• Super glue is forever.
• No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
• Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
• VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though commercials show they do.
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
• It will however make cats dizzy.
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights: 1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
  2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
  3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
  4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
  5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"
  6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
  7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
  8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
  9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
  10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
  11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
  12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
  13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
  14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
  15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
  16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
  17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
  18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."
  

  Taxes

  Attn: IRS
  Enclosed is my 1999 tax return & payment.
  Please take note of the attached article from USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
  Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00.
  Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch phillips head screw.)
  It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
  Sincerely,
  A satisfied taxpayer

  Golf

  Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?" Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now." Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right. Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?" Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?" Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But, how do you putt?", asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Woods asks: "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole." Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick a night!"

  Final Exam

  Instead of studying for the last exam of their college careers, four seniors spent the night partying in the house they had rented off campus. The next morning they waited until the test would be almost finished, and then made their way to class. Along the way they all put grease on their hands to support the story they were going to tell their professor. The class was almost done with the exam, when all four seniors burst into the room. They reported to the professor that they had a flat tire along the way and could they please retake the test? The professor said that he was a reasonable man, so he scheduled a test date for the following week. Their plan had worked! They studied diligently for the next week, making the most of their time. The day of the make-up came, and they were ready for anything. Each senior was placed alone in a separate classroom for the test. The first question, worth 5 points, was easy. The second question was worth 95 points, and it simply read, "Which tire?"

  Excuses

  Top Ten accident excuses used by drivers:

  10. My truck was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
  9. I hit a stationary truck that was coming from another direction.
  8. Coming home, I drove into the wrong yard, and collided with a tree I don't have.
  7. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its path when it hit me.
  6. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  5. The guy was all over he road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  4. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my truck and vanished.
  3. I had been driving my truck for 40 years when I fell asleep and had an accident.
  2. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go--so I ran over him.

  
  And the #1 excuse is:
  I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

  More Musicians

  What do you say to a guitar player in a 3 piece suit?
  "Will the defendant please rise...."

  What's the definition of a minor second?
  Two lead guitarists playing in unison.

  What's the difference between a guitarist and a mutual fund?
  One matures.

  What's the difference between a guitarist and the PLO?
  You can negotiate witht the PLO.

  What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?
  A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes.

  How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune?
  Evidently all of them.

  Why are so many guitarist jokes one-liners?
  So the rest of the band can understand them.

  What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
  Drool.

  A guitar player goes to a doctor and complains about a serious deterioration of his memory. He especially has a hard time remembering correct keys and changes and is afraid to lose all of his gigs. The doctor can't find any obvious cause for this so he asks him to leave his brain behind in his lab for a week for more detailed examination. A week goes by and the guitar player doesn't show up. Two more weeks go by and still no guitar player. Finally the doctor runs into him on the street one day and says,"Where have you been? Your brain is still at my lab waiting for you to pick it up. When will you come by to get it?" The guitar player says, "That's okay doc, you can keep it. I finally switched to bass..."

  MEN & WOMEN COMPARED (again)

  NICKNAMES
  If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

  EATING OUT
  When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

  MONEY
  A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
  A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

  BATHROOMS
  A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

  ARGUMENTS
  A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

  CATS
  Women love cats.
  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

  FUTURE
  A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

  SUCCESS
  A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
  A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

  MARRIAGE
  A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
  A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

  DRESSING UP
  A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
  A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

  NATURAL
  Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
  Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

  OFFSPRING
  Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

  THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
  Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

  

  Send E-Mail to Willie at [email protected]
  

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  [email protected]
  or call us at 917-921-0829