Drummers

• Q: how do you know there's a drummer at your front door?
  • a) the knock keeps getting faster.
  • b) he doesn't know when to come in.
• Q: how do you know the stage is level? drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
• Q: what's the last thing a drummer says in a band? let's try one of my songs.
• Q: how do you slow a drummer down? put sheet music in front of him.
• Q: how do you stop a drummer from playing? put notes on it.
• Q: what do you call two drummers reading from the same music? counterpoint.
• Q: how do you know a drummer has been baking a cake? there's filling everywhere.
• Q: how many drummer's does it take to change a light bulb? two. one to hold it and one to drink enough until the room spins.
• Q: what's the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner? you have to plug one in before it sucks.
• and finally....
  • Q: what do ginger baker and 7-11 coffee have in common? they both suck without Cream.

Rednecks

The passenger, Bubba,said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

Observations

• It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
• Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
• We are born naked, wet, and hungry.Then things get worse.
• The 50-50-90 rule:Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
• It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
• Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
• You can't have everything, where would you put it?
• Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
• If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
• Eat right.Stay fit.Die anyway.
• The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
• Flashlight:A case for holding dead batteries.
• Shin:A device for finding furniture in the dark.
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong.A tax is a fine for doing well.
• It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
• The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
• Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
• I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
• When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Engineers

The frog spoke up again and said, " If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess I will tell everyone how brave and smart you are and how you are my hero." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said,"If you kiss me and turn me into a beautiful princess I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back in his pocket.

The frog then cried out,"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess I will stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING that you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back in his pocket.

Finally the frog asked,"What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I will stay with you for a year, and do anything that you want! Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said,"Look - I'm an engineer. I wouldn't know what to do with a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool !!!"

Computers

"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV- does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"...Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach it."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power...a power outage? Aha, okay. We've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Parents Notes To School

• My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
• Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
• Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28,29,30,31,32 and also 33.
• Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
• Please excuse Roland from PE for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
• John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
• Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
• Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
• Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
• Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
• Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) direathe) the shits. {words were crossed out in the()"s
• Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
• SUE was absent yesterday because She missed his bust.
• Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
• I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
• Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
• Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
• My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
• Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
• Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
• Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Creation

Little Tommy, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Tommy, what is the matter?"

Little Tommy responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Marriage in the Computer Age

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker night 10.3, Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but the uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks,

Joe

Dear Joe:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 It will emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0. Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support."I recommend your keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to end the command C:\APOLOGIZE.In any case, avoid excessive use of the ESC key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.

The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the Performance of Wife 1.0 I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Al

Timing

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

Wise Advice from Kids

• Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
• When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14
• Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14
• Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
• Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13
• Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13
• Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10
• When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11
• Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14
• Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9
• You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9
• Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
• Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10
• When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13
• Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8

Northerners Visiting the South

• If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
• Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
• Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.
• Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
• You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
• Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you, either.
• The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck " or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
• The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
• Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
• If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
• If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
• When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

Signs That You Are No Longer A Kid

• You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
• You can live without sex but not without glasses.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
• You are proud of your lawn mower.
• Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.
• Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
• You sing along with the elevator music.
• You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
• You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
• You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
• You make an appointment to see the dentist.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• Neighbors borrow your tools.
• People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
• You have a dream about prunes.
• You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
• You send money to PBS or NPR.
• The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
• You take a metal detector to the beach.
• You wear black socks with sandals.
• You know what the word "equity" means.
• You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
• Your ears are hairier than your head.
• You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
• You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
• You got cable for the weather channel.
• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. (Note: This can be remedied by hiring Risky Business for your next party)

Random Thoughts and Middle Aged Wisdom

• Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.
• I'm not into working out.My philosophy: no pain, no pain.
• I am in shape.Round's a shape.
• I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
• Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
• I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been morespecific.
• Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him out in a car, he sticks his head out the window?
• Have you ever noticed?Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
• You have to stay in shape.My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.She is 97 today and we don't know where she is.
• The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they wouldn't be caught dead in otherwise.
• Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
• I have six locks on my door all in a row.When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three bestfriends.If they are okay, then it's you.
• Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain allover it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
• I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it is such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have a photograph of her.
• A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone: "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

Send E-Mail to Willie at [email protected]